Need to get this off my chest

[Starr]

I want to share something, because it has been eating me up inside for sometime. About a month ago, my best friend and I were hanging out with one of our guy friends. He was someone who I had hooked up with before, and yes, had sex with. This was different, though.

We were hanging out at his house, watching a movie in his room. My friend was tired and wanted to go. I'll admit I didn't really want to leave. My friend didn't think anything of it, she knew I had spent the night with him before. He said he would drop me off at work in the morning.

I really liked this guy. I wanted to be with him. I thought he cared about me.

We were both watching the movie, I was on my side facing the TV and he was behind me, with his arms around me.
It didn't surprise me when his hands began to roam. But I made sure to stop him every time he went near my waist. I told him that I wanted to watch the rest of the movie. But he kept trying. I thought whatever and tried to just go with it. I remember telling him to turn off the movie. I didn't want to do anything while it was on. It was weird. I remember distinctly that he wouldn't kiss me at all or look at me. And everytime I tried to turn to face him, he would push me back so I was away from him. This annoyed me (and hurt my feelings). So I told him to stop, and I pushed his hand away from my waist and moved to the side of the bed, angry. But he didn't stop. I told him I didn't feel like it anymore. He kept trying. As I was preoccupied with pushing away his his hands, he pulled down my bottoms. As I struggled to pull my underwear on again - He tried to enter me from behind. I told him I did not want to do it anymore, especially like this. I tried to squirm around but his hands pinned down one of my arms. I remember how much it hurt. I remember after awhile getting so tired of trying to stop him and just lying still and staring blindly at the tv, waiting for him to finish. At that point I hated him and was very shaken and disgusted. All feelings of affection for him gone. After it was over, I pulled up my jeans as fast as I could and although I was upset, I figured the worst was over. He had gotten what he wanted. So I thought maybe he would just back off.

He wouldn't. And right after I had pulled them up, he pulled them down again forcefully. This time I was clearly distressed. I said no. I pleaded with him not again. I was sore. I remember trying to push him off, hitting him. This time was rougher. He was behind me and he grabbed my wrist so I couldn't move and then pulled my head back by my hair and hurt me again and again. I couldn't move my head or arms, and all I could see was the ceiling. I started to sob. I wanted to kill him. It seemed like forever. I don't remember ever feeling that miserable, like I couldn't control anything. And then it was over. I stayed still for a long time. I remember glaring at the wall, as tears spilled out.

He got up and turned off the tv. Then he layed back down. I stayed still. He talked awhile about nothing then asked me why I was mad at him? I didn't say anything. He laughed. Then he moved to the other side of the bed and fell asleep.

I cried the entire night, right there, inches away from him. I don't know why I stayed. Maybe I thought eventually he would realize what a terrible thing he did and say sorry. I guess I just had nowhere to go.

In the morning, I made him drop me off at my best friends. I didn't want to go to work because I was upset and looked like hell. It was raining and he didn't say a word to me the whole ride. My best friend wouldn't answer her phone. He dropped me off anyway in front of her house and sped away, in the cold and rain, without even waiting for me to see if she was there.



I feel ridiculous talking about it, I'm ashamed because I know I put myself in the situation. My friend is the only one I told but I don't think she understands. And I can tell she gets annoyed when the topic comes up. So I just don't talk about it. . The worst is that the other night we were hanging out with a different group of friends and he showed up. I was trying to keep as far away from him as I could. I remember someone telling a really perverted joke, I don't remember what it was exactly. But after, he came behind me and pulled my hair hard. Like he was reminding me. I freaked out and left.

I hate him so much. I'm so angry at him, at my friends, at everyone. I couldn't stop crying at work the other day. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to explode. I don't know what to do.

[RingoDarling]

I am sorry that I will not have the perfect words for you... Though I feel like saying something so bare with me...

You are brave to speak of what happened to you, for trying to communicate with your friend and then when she would not listen to a support group (here).

What that guy did to you was very, very wrong on so many levels and while I am sure you already know this I want to remind you that IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. It doesnt matter that you had slept with him before because NO means NO.

He is a rapist and you were his prey. I am sorry the world and its inhabitants have the capability to do this, let alone anyone would actually the will to act on that capablity.

I really don't know exactly what you should do. Find a therapist who can help you work through what happened? (that seems to be the go to answer.)

It will be hard to regain your trust in humanity, and I doubt you will believe me when I say, "good people do exist" but they do. Not everyone is against you or looking to hurt you. It is a shame to so many that some people are out to harm.

I wish you well.

[iambeej]

Starr,

It isn't your fault what happened. There is no excuse for what happened to you, though you have to understand that none of the blame should be put on you, and you are no less a person for what has happened.

It was extremely brave of you to speak about it. It shows how strong you really are. You may feel a mixture of emotion at the moment, but that's normal. You are still normal, despite how you feel. I don't know how to put it into better words, but He was the one, not you.

Is there a friend you feel close in confiding with? Someone you can trust? Take babysteps, no need to rush. You need to see that there are still good people out there. Talk to your best friend, or someone. It is our secrets which feed our fears. Once the secrets are out, the fear can no longer take us over.

Baby steps. That's all you can do.

Thinking of you.
B
xx

[silverlining]

((Starr))

That is so so terrible what happened to you! Please do not blame yourself or think you put yourself in this situation - because you had spent time with this person before and thought he was trustworthy. None of this is your fault and I wish your friend was more supportive

Have you spoken to someone professional about what happened? Thinking of you

[trigeek]

i'm so sorry. i echo what's been said above. have you considered printing out what you wrote above and taking it to the police, to discuss perhaps pressing charges? it might be helpful as well to talk to a counselor about it. it's natural to feel guilt and shame after something so dreadful happens to you but it wasn't your fault. it was entirely his fault. it's just that right now you're the one suffering the consequences of what he did.

if it helps at all, i read in my local paper today about a man that's was just sentenced to 30 years of jail time for raping his then girlfriend. if you decide at some point to press charges there's a chance that he'll be punished appropriately for what he did.

(((starr)))

[Starr]

Thank you for all the encouraging words.

I don't have a T. I don't think I could afford one right now. And I don't feel like I can talk to anyone close to me. I'm pretty isolated.

Some days I wake up and I'm okay, lately I've just been keeping really busy because I found that it helps. But a few days ago I couldn't seem to distract my thoughts. I was going insane. It doesn't matter that I've never met any of you or that this is just a message board, it still helps that you all listened. Thank you

[trigeek]

wish i could reach out and give you a real hug right now. ((((starr))))

[silverlining]

((Starr)) you are most welcome! I really hope you can keep yourself busy and distracted. As hard as it is - when the thoughts and feelings come it is important to try and get out of the house, do exercise, hang out with someone etc.
Thinking of you

[crimson~raven]

I am sorry this happened and that your friend is not being helpful, this was rape plain and simple and you deserve help to deal with this. If you can not afford therapy please try calling one of the phone lines that will give you access to some one to help you talk this through. You can deal with but it is better to do that sooner rather than later. I think it does help some times to distract ourselves but as you've seen it not possible to do that all the time, the feelings are still there and they need resolving traumatic events will leave so many questions and emotions in us that it takes time to deal. You can deal with this and be stronger I promise.

Take care