I cant stop

[Bedhead]

I cant. And its fucking frustrating as hell.
Its daily now. It just used to be when I was really angry, or numb. Well...which was constant. But never day after day after day.

My leg is destroyed. The cuts are getting deeper, which is scary because today it wouldnt stop bleeding.
Im already on antidepressants (3rd day), I cant afford (time wise) to talk to a fucking therapist, and besides theres NO reason thats going to explode out of me in those sessions anyways. No reason for me to be a mindfuck. I just AM.
I think its because I havent been purging lately (teeth removal). But I still wont be able to jam my fingers down my throat for another week at least. And i really dont want to rip my leg up any further I want the pain...just not the marks.

I dont even have to feel THAT BAD to do it, I just do. Bored, cut. Sad, cut. Mad, cut. Numb, cut. Hungry, cut. Full, cut. fuck fuck fuck.

This is just a big rant because I sure as hell cannot tell this anywhere else.

[Bébé]

I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. Not fun at all, I know. I'll be hoping that it gets better for you

[Wednesday]

I don't really know a lot about your situation... but why can't you afford therapy timewise? It sounds like you have enough time to invest in destroying yourself... maybe spend some on healing yourself as well?

I know its sometimes futile to suggest distraction techniques, but I think you should have a look at them anyway- try getting outside, listening to good music and doing some cleaning. If you want the pain maybe try the holding ice idea? Or the flicking the elastic band against your wrist?

Also there are some helplines in the US specifically for self injury, maybe you see if there is something similar for Canada and try and call them if you think it would be beneficial? If you want some help, let me know, and I can look them up for you.

I don't know what else to suggest, but I hope you manage to calm yourself down a bit. It can be very energy draining to be self injurying all the time.

[silverlining]

((Bedhead))
I am sooo sorry you are struggling so much with SH
I can definitely relate to not even being depressed to have to do it. I used to resort to it if I was bored and simply alone.
Is there someone you can reach out to? A T or a trustworthy friend? It can be done, you can stop. The more and more you resist the urges, the further apart the urges come. My T taught me that

Thinking of you

[Bedhead]

I appreciate all the support. Thank you

Wednesday that is a very good point Im in school and in practicum Im working 8-5 most the time. im not sure if anyone is available after those hours. I have a strong dislike for therapists, but Im at the point where its worth giving it another shot.

I havent si'd in...2 days. Ever since I got a new piercing, and today I just got a new tattoo. Not that their the same thing, but I feel like having THAT pain was comforting enough for the time being. Not that I can afford to just go and get piercings and tattoos whenever I feel like shit
But at least its got me a good 2 day start of stopping/slowing down.

I think Im going to try the elastic idea. I cant tell anyone about this. My roomate knows vaguely about me doing it in the past, but she worries too much, and I wouldnt put it past her to call the hospital to pick me up if she knew how it was.

Again thank you

[edward]

it is a daily struggel for all who start down this path of destruction, I too feel the need once a day when it used to be a cure for anger or frustration.

[Penelope]

(((bedhead)))
First, I'm sorry you're struggling with this. I know I don't know you, but it makes me sad to think of you hurting yourself. You don't need that, and I hope that some day soon you will know this with such conviction that the conviction will inspire you to stop - because you CAN stop. Look at you go! You haven't done it in two days! Because you replaced it with something else that works for you. The trick is to find things that address the need that the cutting is addressing, but things that are healthy and helpful. Those are different for everyone. Some people journal, some people call friends, some people go for walks, etc. But honestly, if you feel out-of-control, then you need professional help. And if I were you, I'd haul my butt down to the hospital and stay until I felt like I was back in control. (It's a promise I've made to myself after having been a cutter for a while. No more. No more hurting self.) Do what you need to do to get on a path that leads to a happy life for yourself. Get out of this hell - it's worth it.